"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves" - Carl Jung (1875 - 1961)I was opening up my computer this morning, and the following quote popped up on my social media feed. This reminded me about the Shadow class that I did some time back, the Shadow Effect book by Debbie Ford that I read, and other emotional intelligence training I have done. Things that upset us or push our buttons are usually good indicators of some aspect of our own personality that we are not happy or proud of. This may well be something that happened to us a long time ago, and our response to it was "Never again!" I won't be hurt, humiliated, fooled, jilted, let down, etc the same way again. So I take on a new resolution to do "X" and as a result split off part of my personality into my shadow.
I had one of these experiences when I first came to the United States in 1989. I came over "the pond" to go to graduate school and complete a PhD. I had just graduated from Oxford University where I read Chemistry, and my undergraduate adviser at that time got hired to a Biochemistry faculty position at Washington State University. I had briefly looked around for jobs in the UK, and come to a fairly rapid conclusion that I wasn't going to get more than a "lab lackey" position without a PhD. So when my advisor invited me to join him, I pretty much jumped at the chance. I went from the dreaming spires of Oxford to the rolling wheat fields of Pullman. Boy did it feel like I just arrived in Kansas from the Land of Oz!
I came over in the summer well before the Fall semester in order to get settled in. We moved the lab into a brand new wing of the Chemistry building. I also spent time finding a place to live, roommates to rent with, etc. I also needed "wheels" as being in the middle of nowhere (rural America), you needed a car to do just about anything (drive to the work, the store, the next town...). I searched for used car deals, and found a nice little hatchback Mazda GLC (old model of Mazda 3). This brought me into the Ed Esselbaum Toyota dealership in Moscow, Idaho, and the exciting prospect of purchasing my first car. It was not long before the shenanigans of used car salesmanship began.
I don't remember specifics. It's probably a PTSD thing! I do remember being rushed into a large financial transaction, feeling overwhelmed by my new car salesman "friend" and bringing my advisor in the next day to help me review the paperwork. It all seemed in order, and so I became the proud and rather shell shocked owner of a new, used car. My new friend had conveniently been able to arrange a loan for me, which was interesting since I had no credit history in the USA. I wanted to move the loan to my new Credit Union rather than the bank that the dealership had used. That's when it turned out that the loan was for $1000 more than the "trade-in" value of the car. My bank would not loan me more than the Blue Book value, so I had to wire money over from the UK in order to pay off the excess and transfer the loan. Needless to say, I was devastated and brough to tears over the phone when I checked in with my parents.
This was a hard lesson for a young adult, learning that people do not necessarily have your best interests at heart. Obviously people who I hardly know, who start calling me their friend, are probably just trying to manipulate me in order to take advantage. But based on this experience, I pushed the extrovert, outgoing, engaging personality into my shadow, and decided that anyone behaving that way should never be trusted. Nowadays, I am able to distinguish people’s behavior better and to be open to extravert people, as well as being more extroverted myself without thinking that’s a bad thing. There are times when you want to pull that “shadow” arrow out, and others when it should stay in the quiver.
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